Love and Marriage

In a society that trumpets the glory of the individual, an individual can become so wrapped up in itself that their own needs and desires are paramount. Divorce is fueled by this selfishness. If there is no compromise, no agreement to be made, then there can only be abandonment. Since we are watching out for number one, we only care about our spouse based on whether or not they can make us happy.

Marriage is no longer meaningful because it is now so dependent upon circumstance. Our love is conditional. Our love is less of actual love and more a passing infatuation. We base it off of whether or not we always get along with the other person and how “in tune” we are with each other. There is no commitment, no higher aspiration, just a matter of feelings and convenience. This basis on conditions comes from a focus on the self in the situation. When the marriage becomes more about being happy with someone rather than enduring life with someone, things do not work “for better or for worse.”

In Emma, marriage was, wanted or not, a great agent of change. It caused the separation of Emma and Miss Taylor; it changed the duties of both Miss Taylor and Mr. Weston; and it changed forever Miss Taylor’s identity. Now, marriage is about convenience. It is more about finding someone whose schedules, likes, dislikes, and habits align with our own. Very often, couples will agree to live together before they decide to get married. They want to make sure that the relationship “feels” right. If it doesn’t work out, they can quit the relationship without much effort.

When problems arise in our relationships, we say “nobody’s perfect” and drop the relationship rather than try to work through it. We consider a clash in personality an imperfection or impediment that keeps the relationship from moving forward and growing. If it’s not growing, it’s leaves are falling, and the weather has gotten bitterly cold, than it must be dying and should be uprooted. We forget to take into account the changing seasons. Divorce is often a hasty overreaction to inclement weather.

This inclement weather, changing circumstance, dependence on feeling and idea that “nobody’s perfect” keep people from true love. People quit when it gets difficult; they are fair-weather friends, unwilling to invest in real love. Love that demands perfection, commitment, sacrifice. Love that is independent of circumstance.

Real love between a man and a woman is a difficult thing. As C.S Lewis says in regard to the kind of love between a man and his wife,

“Love may, indeed, love the beloved when her beauty is lost: but not because it is lost. Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal. Love is more sensitive that hatred itself to every blemish in the beloved; his “feeling is more soft and sensible that are the tender horns of cockled snails”. Of all powers he forgives most; but he condones least: he is pleased with little, but demands all.”

Love is mutual service. You serve them because you love what you see in them. It is a promise to commit to what is best in your spouse--to respect and foster it. You can trust your spouse because what they ask you to change will only make you better, because they won’t let you lose what is best in you--that which they love. And you will serve them, and hold them accountable as well because you love them too much to let them be anything but their best. Marriage is mutual growing. You are growing together, helping each other, for each other. It’s not about what that person can do, or how they can make you feel good, it’s about bringing out the best in each other. Instead of demanding your needs be met, you attend to theirs, and you will be naturally reciprocated.

Austen, Jane. Emma. New York: Barnes & Noble Classics, 2004. Print.

Lewis, C. S. The Problem of Pain. [San Francisco]: HarperSanFrancisco, 2001. Print.